First off I don't try to ask why it keeps happening as a selfish, omg I need attention kind of way. I ask because I honestly try to see everything in a critical way and I want to make myself a better human everyday. I want feedback. I want to know which of my bull headed, Leo characteristics might be getting in the way. I want to be the best me, and by serving my friends and family with whatever they need is what makes me happy. Yes some friends said I do have a strong personality, sometimes bring out the evil jealous demon in them when they are around me or even worse, make them feel like crap just for being me. That was saddening. I know I am a strong person, but never do I try to step on people's toes, let alone feelings. As to the other two, I don't know how to not make people feel bad when they are around me when I don't feel I am doing anything wrong. I surely hate when people feel inferior, jealous or intimidated by anything I do. I have had a lot of growing in the past 12 years... Having a child early, marring early, playing house and doing all the activities and hobbies I do have allowed me to see the world in a different light. I am humbled when people praise me for an accomplishment, but never am I fishing for one. Never do I want to make ANYONE feel inferior because of my decorating, cooking, planning or crafty abilities. I do these things because I love doing them. That simple. Being good at them is because I study to be the best I can and practice often. I've been doing these things for 12 years already! So this leaves me to the second point... On why this keeps happening.
I have discovered in the soul searching I have been doing lately something quite surprising. I have always thought I wasn't a very passionate person. Sure I like things, a lot of things, but I don't have a soul burning passion for things like some people I know. But I'm wrong. In reality I am VERY PASSIONATE. I actually am so passionate about everything I do, believe in and effort I put forward that I think that's normal, so there for the bottom line of the passion scale so to speak. I am so passionate that it spills over, is maxed out and wonderful! I was confusing passion with like, an adrenaline rush.... They are not the same. Passion is when you put more energy into something than is required to do it. It is more than just enthusiasm or excitement, passion is ambition that is materialized into action to put as much heart, mind, body and soul into something as possible (Urban Dictionary). I am an all black or white kind of thinker.... So with my daily life and all the fun and adventure it brings, I live it to the fullest with 100% passion at all times. Therefor I though it was lacking, not exceeding.
So to those out there in the world who I have run of because of this, I am sorry. I will always love you, as I always have. That will never change. I would welcome you back in my life in a minute because everyone changes, everyone grows and everyone has a place in another's heart.
So in the past, I have usually just gotten mad, blown up or freaked out and stopped moving forward. Not so now. These events truly break my heart, that's for sure, but I am not mad. i will not apologize either, as I have nothing to be sorry for moving forward. If I did make a mistake in the past, I have already apologized for it and even asked for forgiveness. If these people are not ready to forgive or move forward, that's not my problem. Moving forward I will continue to be me. I love everyone, unconditionally and always will. If that or how I live offends anyone, feel free to back off, run away or cut me off... But I will no longer take it as I am doing something wrong. I live with intentions of love, purity, honesty and kindness, and if your perceptions of those characteristics get mixed up, talk to me about it. If you don't feel comfortable with that, well, that's your purgative.
So from here on out, I will show my love to everyone, but only expect the same love, gratitude and respect from those who have proven to me that they are wanting to give it. I guess this is why they say friends don't last forever.... I really wish they did though.
Until next time, Hanna
